An Open Letter: Christian Courtship

A friend once asked me to write her something. She asked me to write her a list of principles one has to put in mind when in courtship. This request blowed me away for the reason that it was way beyond what I am capable of. Nevertheless, I did what she asked me to.

Since its February, I will share to you the things I wrote for her.

“Know Thyself”

This is an old adage; but as important today as it was many years ago. Consider these lines:

You cannot get anywhere you want to be if you don’t know where you want to be. You cannot be the person you want to be if you don’t know what kind of person you want to be.

Knowing yourself is essentially the first step in doing anything. How does this apply to courtship? Simple. If you know who you are, you know exactly what you want and what you are looking for.

I was reminded of a story of a young man who was searching for love. He went to a social gathering hoping to find “the one.” He stood on a corner scanning the room. An hour had passed. Two hours had past and he was still standing alone in a corner. It wasn’t that there were no beautiful and available ladies in the room. It was just he was confused. He couldn’t make up his mind which one to ask for a dance.  Like that young man, we may stand in front of a crowd filled with fine young men, but still not find “the one” because we are undecided about what we really want.

On the other hand, we may think that we have found “the one”; but later find out that we had been a fool. We may dump someone thinking that he’s not “the one”; but sooner realize that we had let a diamond slip from our grasp. All because we do not know the inner person. Therefore, it is imperative to look at ourselves and know the person inside.

Befriend yourself. Know your personality, your character, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Know what you want to see in a person whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. When everything is taken away (money and fame, for example) what is it that you want to see in your lover?

Friend, life is short. Spend it with people who complement your strengths and supplement your weaknesses.

Is this all?

No! God forbids.

We shall fail in this quest, if we wont seek to know the One who holds our real identity – Our Almighty God. We are His children by creation and redemption. It is only through Him and with Him can we truly see who we are. It is by knowing Him that we are led to see what our broken hearts really need.

Pursue genuine friendship

The prospect of a romantic relationship always gives us an ineffable excitement. It is normal for us to feel that way because we are emotional beings. We were created to connect with someone or something. Buried in our limbic system is a desire for intimacy and love. Mrs. Ellen G. White wrote, “There was none of the same nature to love and to be loved.” However, as children of God, we need to be careful with the matters of the heart.

So, why genuine friendship? A friendship that is unstained with selfish motives and deceitful appearances guards our hearts from falling into a blackhole of misguided impressions and feelings. It keeps us focused and Christ-minded. It gives us the lenses of objectivity. It helps us see the other person as he truly is.

Another reason for pursuing genuine friendship is the epidemic or should I accurately say PANDEMIC of unauthentic, pretentious men and women who are slaves to want (it may be you and me). A person with romantic intentions may come with a facade (as usually is the case) just to get the finest and the best. They may array themselves with good looks, good works, kind words, gentle acts, promising job, or good fortune. Genuine friendship helps us unearth the hidden man and woman beneath his/her glamouring exterior.

Lastly, genuine friendship is a solid foundation to a relationship that is meant to last a lifetime. (I prefer not to use the word “forever” because of the popular phrase: “ate, walang forever!”) I always hear old people say, “It is best to marry your best friend.” Oftentimes, I find my self stuck in thinking “why?”. The credible reason I found is this: best friends have best friendship, that is, genuine friendship. The pen of inspiration wrote,

The world is full of misery and sin today in consequence of ill-assorted marriages. In many cases it takes only a few months for husband and wife to realize that their dispositions can never blend; and the result is that discord prevails in the home, where only the love and harmony of heaven should exist.– {AH 83.3}

Christian courtship is a family affair

We grow up, leave our homes, and have our own.

This is a one-sentence summary of our family life. When we thought we are already strong, able, and whole; we leave our parents, search for love, and build our own homes.

Sadly, most of the young disregard the wisdom of their parents especially when it comes to courtship. They hold their opinions higher than the wisdom of their aged parents. They claim that their parents’ wit and expertise wont work in this day and age.

This must not be the case for christians. We must honor the gray-haired man and woman for from their tiny, atrophic lips are words of wisdom purified by time and refined by experience. So, courtship must be a family affair.

The question now is, How?

A way to start is to let your parents know the guy or lady intentionally. They are the most likely objective ones. They are adept in knowing a person’s character and personality. They will become your strength, support, prayer warriors, and mentors.

Here are some familiar words from the pen of inspiration.

Take God and your God-fearing parents into your counsel, young friends.– {AH 73.1}

If you are blessed with God-fearing parents, seek counsel of them. Open to them your hopes and plans; learn the lessons which their life experiences have taught.– {AH 73.2}

As marriage is the union of two families, courtship is essentially a process played by both families.

Christian Courtship is Our Father’s affair

God is love. (1 Jn 4:8)

God intends to give love, share love, and beget love. It is a part of His plan that man and woman shall enjoy the company of each other in perfect harmony. Thus, He does not leave His children crawl into love and end up falling hard into it. (I don’t think you would want to fall, and fall hard.) He gave us the Holy Scriptures to guide us in everything. The psalmist says, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” (Psa 119:105)

Furthermore, God authored marriage – the most glorious sequel of courtship. It is His design that we find our other half and taste the intimacy that He longs for us to experience. Through a God-led marriage, we will better understand His love and His intention towards our relationship with Him. Mrs. White wrote, “Christ honored the marriage relation by making it also a symbol of the union between Him and His redeemed ones.”

Our Father takes joy in picking up the pieces and making them whole. As you move and live with a heart half-filled, He will find you a heart that perfectly fits yours. So, seek to know God’s will, follow it, and submit to it. Nothing is too hard for the Lord (Jeremiah 32:27).

Pray. Listen. Do His will.