Apparent Failures

Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
[11] For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord , thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Every day passes by without a hint if I will ever be the one I was meant to be. The study materials are piling up on one end of my desk, and another bulk of homework is lying on the other. “Am I still learning to be a competent doctor? Or am I cramming to meet the deadline and ace the exams?” Thoughts of uncertainties frighten me.

One day, I stood in front of the bulletin board that was hanging outside our classroom. I skimmed through the pages of paper and looked for my name. The numbers I saw opposite my name were in bold and I could see right through it what it means. I failed! It was as if the letters F-A-I-L-E-D were written next to my name. I’m not the one who had never faced defeat, but this one was heartbreaking.

Before I could declare my case a hopeless one, I remembered Moses who spent forty years in the wilderness. I don’t know how difficult it was for him to learn Leadership 101 but I am sure that he also felt the same thing as I did. Think about it. Forty years!

No matter how I looked at my score in different angles, it’s still the same. However, my weary soul was comforted by the words written by Mrs. Ellen G. White. It says,

The thoughts and ways of God in relation to His creatures are above our finite minds; but we may be assured that His children will be brought to fill the very place for which they are qualified, and will be enabled to accomplish the very work committed to their hands, if they will but submit their will to God, that His beneficent plans may not be frustrated by the perversity of man. – {PP 638.1}

Dear Lord,
Help me to trust in Your plans for me. Though I face apparent failures each day, I pray that You’ll keep my feet securely founded in You – the Rock of my soul. Give me faith to believe that You will bring into fulfillment all that You wish to happen to me, in me, and through me. Amen.

An Introvert’s Introspection

Medicine is not just a profession of good-hearted and compassionate people whose desire is to help and save lives. It is also an arena where intelligent people and the like thrive and compete for survival. As technology rises and a number of untreated diseases and illnesses rise exponentially, medicine becomes more than just a world of competition; but a jungle of enthusiasts whose prime desire is to be on top and harness the best of their abilities.

Although students and some professionals debunk this idea, it is a fact we all face. To rest means a life on a thread with a small probability of being saved. To shy away from the responsibility even for a time would mean death and loss. To give less than what is best would mean failure and defeat.

Having been caught in the middle of this craze, I had accumulated scars of overwhelming defeats. Scars so deeply rooted, constantly reminding me of my deficiencies. I am a person who hates the idea of competition. I hate the sound of pressure. I cringe at the thought of perfection. Will I survive in this battle? Will my strength last until the end?

It seems to me that I need something bigger, grander, wiser, and stronger to finish the race. Something extraordinary has to possess me. Something supernatural has to take control of me. The men of old says, “Wisdom, it is.” Oh, Yes! Wisdom! My heart longs for it. I desire to behold its face and be held in its mighty bosom; but where is wisdom? Where is wisdom to lead the way? Where is wisdom which brings victory?

I do not know. I don’t have the answer. If I go to the ends of the earth, conquer the highest peak, dive the deepest trench, will I find the answer? No. Strength will weaken, vision will darken, reason will fail and the answer is still kept in the casket of human frailty. Job declares that wisdom,

“… is not found in the land of the living. The depth saith, It is not in me: and the sea saith, It is not with me. It cannot be gotten for gold, neither shall silver be weighed for the price thereof. It cannot be valued with the gold of Ophir, with the precious onyx, or the sapphire. The gold and the crystal cannot equal it: and the exchange of it shall not be for jewels of fine gold. No mention shall be made of coral, or of pearls: for the price of wisdom is above rubies. The topaz of Ethiopia shall not equal it, neither shall it be valued with pure gold. Whence then cometh wisdom? and where is the place of understanding? Seeing it is hid from the eyes of all living, and kept close from the fowls of the air. -Job 28:13-21 KJV

The reality of ever finding wisdom became so elusive. How can I, a hundred times more debased than the righteous Job, ever find it. Like I babe I cry for it. Like an old man I mourn for it.

But wait! Before the bird sings her last, the fish swims his last, the man hopes his last, there is one thing. One thing. The ‘one thing’ to consider. The ‘one thing’ to grasp. The ‘one thing’ to understand. That ‘one thing’ is God. Job went on saying,

God understandeth the way thereof, and he knoweth the place thereof. For he looketh to the ends of the earth, and seeth under the whole heaven; To make the weight for the winds; and he weigheth the waters by measure. When he made a decree for the rain, and a way for the lightning of the thunder: Then did he see it, and declare it; he prepared it, yea, and searched it out. And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding. -Job 28:23-28 KJV

Out of the darkness, I see gleaming light. In the tunnel of fear and uncertainty, I see hope. There is a way to victory. Even I, a full-blown introvert, can thrive in a fast-paced, highly competitive, extremely extroverted world of medicine. With God in me, victory is a step away, a prayer away, a sigh away.

Oh how marvelous is the God of heaven and earth. How deep is His understanding. How wide is His gaze. He searches the right way, and leads those who go after it. Wisdom is found in the fear of Him for in Him is wisdom. No wonder the wisest man ever lived exhorted that we fear Him.

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. -Ecclesiastes 12:13 KJV

Now, going back to the question. Will I survive in this battle? Yes! In the fear of the Lord.

As we face life’s maze, may we not forget that there is an answer to every question. It may not come in the form we expect, still it will come. It may not be readily available as when we thought we need it, nevertheless it will come at the right time. All we need to do is lie in patient waiting for the answer in the One who searched it out, who determined it long ago, who measured its depth and weight, who declared it from the rising and the setting of the sun.

The answer lies not on the strength of a man but in the might of the Holy One. Amen.